Thursday, November 30, 2006

Reasons for global conquest...

...are many and varied, but, musing recently, I think that the British, when pursuing that whole empire thing that preoccupied us for a century or two, probably had the best motivation for wanting to take over the world.

Other nations are a bit boring and predictable, like America, the country currently in the ascendency, who seem to be looking for oil and other such tedious nonsense. The British did not get hung up on the acquisition of anything as contentious as fossil fuel - we had much simpler objectives in mind. We travelled to the far corners of the planet, bullying and oppressing as we went, but when all is said and done only seemed to have three things, aside from land, to show for our enterprise; tea, potatoes and tobacco.

Or, to put it another way, hot beverages, crisps and fags. We conquered the globe in order to improve the quality of our breaktimes. To this day, as a result of the endevour of our brave ancestors, the British breaktime is the finest in the world.

Tea, especially, is a great example of the way in which the British treat the culture we import. In the Far East, a cup of tea is an event. It is a delicate drink, served with great grace and ceremony. The Japanese in particular are renowned for their intricate and ornate tea rituals, some of which are so long-winded that by the end of them the tea has gone cold.

The British wanted none of this, of course, and after getting tea we then focussed all our efforts on finding faster ways to get it into our faces. The ceremony of the East was discarded in favour of sheer, bloody-minded, twelve-cups-a-day efficiency. Even the teapot and the whistling kettle on the hob seem obsolescent now, thanks to teabags and Russell Hobbs. It encapsulates the typical British philosophy; no fuss, no nonsense, just a nice, hot cup of tea. Mmmmmmmmn.

And, just to add insult to injury, we went on to advertise it using chimps.

Land of hope and glory indeed.

Peace. X

Sunday, November 12, 2006

I'm single again...

... for those of you desperate for an update. Things just didn't work out. C'est la vie.

Being footloose and fancy free once more it's all I can do to despair at how useless I am at the whole "batchelor" thing, specifically my afore mentioned aversion to one night stands. This has caused me to question the nature of the stereotypes placed upon us by society, especially the assumption that all men are very promiscuous and have a cavalier attitude towards sex. I contest this. In fact, the more I think about it the more convinced I am that it's actually women, not men, who are more single minded when it comes to sex. I can prove it - using sex toys.

Hear me out.

Lots of women own a sex toy now, it's big business, so they must have done some market research. They must have asked women what they wanted from sex toys, and they've thought about it and then said, "Erm... oh fuck it, just give us the dick".

When men, on the other hand, buy sex toys, be it one of those pricey life dolls or an inflatable affair, they get a woman! A whole woman. A woman with a face, with eyes you can gaze into longingly. Some of them even have hair - flowing, realistic hair that you can run your fingers through for that full, sensual experience.

But not you girls. You just wanted the cock.

I rest my case.

Peace. X